The Young Ones Go To Hogwarts
by almightyswot
Summary: In his all knowing insanity Professor Dumbledore decides to invite the Young Ones to Hogwarts.Hogwarts will never be the same ever again.
1. Chapter 1

**The Young Ones Go To Hogwarts**

**Summary:** Professor Dumbledore in his all-knowing insanity decides to bring the Young Ones to Hogwarts.

Hogwarts will never be the same again.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own The Young Ones or Harry Potter. I am just a person who can't spell on a sugar rush from eating way too much chocolate. :)

**Genre:** AU Pure insanity. Characters will be out of character for the storyline.

**Rating: **T.

This is my 2nd fic and I really want to do it justice. So would you please get in touch and leave any ideas you have on how the story should go I would be very grateful. Also if you would give me a heads up on any spelling/grammar mistakes I may have missed that would be great too. (No flames please)

On with the story.

Chapter 1 

"Albus why are we sending Hogwarts letters to muggles that are in college?" Professor McGonnigal asked.

"Because of a very long and complicated reason." He answered cryptically, while trying to unstick a lemon drop from his fluffy beard.

"Albus these people obviously can't do magic, if they could, they would have got a letter at the age of 11 like every other student. Have you finally lost your marbles? McGonnigal said.

"Oh no Minerva." He replied.

"I lost those when I was six to a lad named Clifford. Or was it Sydney?" He pondered.

"It was so long ago."

Professor McGonnigal resisted the urge to smack her head on the table.

Meanwhile an owl was tapping on The Young Ones window.

"Vyvyan, Vyvan. What are you doing stop that tapping!" Rick shouted.

"I'm not doing it you idiot." Vyvyan answered. Who was watching TV."

"Hey guys, there's an owl at the window and I think it wants to come in."" Neil exclaimed.

Nobody paid any attention to him.

"You had better not be messing with the plumbing again Vyvyan, you know how sensitive my bottom is." Rick whined.

" Guys, I opened the window and the owl came in. It must be my sprit guide." Neil said awed.

"That's nice Neil." Mike said turning the page of his newspaper, not noticing the barn owl on the table.

"Why would I care about your girlie bottom?" Vyvan sneered

"Hey guys the owls got a letter tied to its leg."

"I'll have you know I have a very pretty bottom mummy always said so." Rick sniffed haughtily.

"Oh wow, this is amazing guys."

Vyvyan simply smashed a chair over Rick's head.

"Guys" Neil, shouted.

"WHAT Neil?" They shouted back.

"We've been accepted to Hogwarts.

"Where?"

**Ok that's Chapter one done. Shall I continue this or not?**

**Chapter two will be what house they are put into.**

**I think Neil will go to Hufflepuff .I can't really see him in any other house. The others are slightly harder to place especially Rick and Vyvyan. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. XD**


	2. Chapter 2

**The Young Ones Go To Hogwarts.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or The Young Ones. **

**Warning: **Some mild swearing.

As I said before if you see any spelling/grammar mistakes I may have missed, please don't hesitate to tell m,e but please don't flame.

This is dedicated to my kind reviewers.

§

Chapter 2 

"Hogwarts. We've been accepted to Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry." Neil repeated.

"Don't be ridiculous, you stupid hippie. Gimme that." Rick scoffed snatching the letter.

He reads the letter.

"OH MY GOD I'VE BEEN ACCEPTED TO HOGWARTS." He screeched.

"We all have Rick. I need to make a call, know what I mean?" Mike said wandering off.

Everybody else looked clueless.

"I always knew I was brilliant." Rick said with awe.

He got an evil look on his face.

"You're going to have to be nice to me now Vyvyan and do what I say, because I'm an all powerful wizard and if you're not nice to me and call me master…I'll … I'll make all the liquor disappear." He threatened.

Vyvyan seemed to explode at that.

What he did to Rick was not pretty.

In fact all that was left of Rick was smouldering goop on the rug.

"Awl Vyv I just cleaned that." Neil moaned.

"It says here you can bring a cat a toad or an owl." Vyvyan said completely ignoring Neil.

"I'll bring S.PG." He proclaimed.

"But, He's a hamster and you can't bring them." Rick said magically appearing from the hallway.

"No he isn't."

Vyvyan grinned evilly at his pet, as he forced it into a tinkerbell outfit. Complete with fairy wings of course.

"He's an owl." He exclaimed, proudly displaying his handiwork.

S.P.G was not a happy hamster.

" But Vyvyan they will know something's wrong if he doesn't fly." Neil pointed out.

Vyvyan paused at that.

He stared thoughtfully at his disgruntled, cross-dressing pet.

Then he walked over to the cupboard and grabbed an extra large tin of baked beans.

" He'll fly when he has this." He grinned maniacally and shoved the tin down S.P.G's throat.

In a matter of seconds S.P.G was zooming around the room.

Neil holds up a sign.

**Please DO NOT give your hamster or pet baked beans. It will NOT make them fly. It will make your pet sick and mean you'll have to take your pet to the vet.**

"Neil are you going to hold up that sign all day, or are you gonna make tea?" Vyvyan roared.

"No time for that guys." Mike said stepping back in the room.

"We have to get to the Hogwarts Express before the clock strikes eleven."

The clock struck eleven.

" Argh we've missed the train." Rick screamed.

Vyvyan whacked him over the head, to shut him up.

"Don't worry, I have a back up plan." Mike said calmly.

§

"So where is this Hogwarts place?" Vyvyan asked as they drove at 180mph.

"I don't know. It's unplottable." Mike admitted.

"Oh, well that's useful. Isn't it?" Rick said sarcastically from the back of the car where he was squashed in-between the luggage.

"Neil we're going round an island." Mike shouted.

"Ok" Neil shouted back.

There hadn't been enough room in the car for all of them.

So Neil had been tied to the roof.

He shut his eyes tight and prayed, he wouldn't fall off.

"You alright Neil?" Mike yelled, once they'd gone round the island.

"A pigeon just pooed on me." Neil whined.

Ugh Vyvyan could you slow down I don't feel good." Rick moaned plaintively.

"Rick if you even think of puking. I am going to shove this cactus up your bottom." Vyvyan threatened in his deadliest voice.

"Guys we're here." Neil shouted.

They parked under a nice looking tree.

"Now remember guys we're parked under the willow." Mike said.

Suddenly the willow moved.

"ARGHHHHHHH! THE TREES ATTACKING!" Neil screamed frantically trying to untie himself.

"Brilliant" Vyvyan cheered.

Neil only just managed to untie himself and get out the way, as the Whomping Willow smashed into the car.

"MY CAR!" Vyvyan screamed in horror, as his beloved vehicle was crushed.

Incensed Vyvyan set the tree on fire.

The Whomping Willow writhed, in obvious pain, as it was consumed in the fiery, orange flames.

It didn't cheer Vyvyan up though.

"My car, my beautiful car." He wept.

Mike patted him on the back and motioned that they all should head up to Hogwarts.

§

"Ah it seems our new students have arrived." Dumbledore said cheerfully as The Young Ones walked in.

"Continue with the sorting." He chirped to Professor McGonnigal, who was holding her nose at the stench, the new students gave off.

"Neil" She called.

"**HUFFLEPUFF!"**

"Mike."

**"SLYTHERIN!"**

"Rick."

(Vyvyan says something only she catches)

"I mean Prick."

"S**LYTHERIN!"**

"Vyvyan." 

"**GRYFFINDOR**!"

**Well that's chapter 2 done. I hope you all enjoyed it. **

**Now what do you think should happen next? All ideas are welcome. :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**The Young Ones Go To Hogwarts.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or The Young Ones. **

**Warning: **Some mild swearing and chat up lines that will make you cringe

Rating: T

**Yes I know, I know it's been forever since I've updated and **

**I AM VERY SORRY! Sadly I have had a severe case of writers block. Hopefully this will make it up to you.**

**Chapter 3.**

That first night back at Hogwarts was pretty much a blur to the students.

This was because they had passed out, from holding their breath, because of the stink from the Young Ones.

The next morning Neil came down to the Hufflepuff Common Room, to find that everyone was staring at him.

"Hey man what's with the heavy vibes?" He asked.

"Petrificus Totalus" some one shouted

Neil fell to the floor, he tried to scream but he couldn't move.

**It's like the time Vyvyan made us rat poison for tea.** He thought as the Hufflepuffs advanced.

"We are doing this for you Neil" A girl said reassuringly.

" Yeah think of it as a welcome to Hogwarts present." Ernie laughed.

"Scourgify."



Rik woke up to find Vyvyan wasn't punching him the face like usual.

It was really odd.

**I think I'm going to like it here at Hogwarts.** He mused.

Just then Goyle rolled over in his sleep and smacked Rik right in the mouth with his long gorilla-like arms.

A smile could be seen on his face.

Mike however was down in the Common Room wooing the Slytherin females with his sliver tongue and subtle double entendres.

"Baby I'm as pure as white snow, yet all man… if you catch my drift."



Vyvyan was not happy.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN NO TV? He roared.

Percy shuddered suddenly feeling very afraid.

"Muggle electricky things don't work here, you shall have to find something else to entertain yourself."

He said in a very squeaky voice.

Suddenly he turned into a mouse.

Vyvyan picked him up by his tail looking rather impressed.

"How'd ya done that then?" he asked.

"Actually that was us."

"Our latest and daresay"

"Greatest prank ever."

"Just a few drops of this in your juice."

"And you'll turn into the animal you feel like."

Said Fred and George, grinning proudly.

"Unfortunately it seems."

"People are reluctant to try it."

"Seems to have some side affects."

"People tend to take on the characteristics of the animal after they changed back."

"One guy was turned into a frog and now eats bugs."

"Well guys guess what."

Vyvyan said, as he effortlessly chucked an irate, mouseified Percy in the bin.

"I know the perfect guinea pig." He smiled evilly looping his arms around the twin's shoulders.

"Lets get some breakfast."

Down in the dungeon Rik trembled.



**I was going to do more than this but I've got work in the morning, sorry there will be more tomorrow I promise.**

**All ideas on what should happen are encouraged. : D **


	4. Chapter 4

**The Young Ones Go To Hogwarts.**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Harry Potter or The Young Ones. **

**Warning: **Some mild swearing and chat up lines that will make you cringe

Rating: T

**Here we go more insanity just as I promised. : D **

**Chapter 4.**

At the Great Hall everyone was staring at the Young Ones again. All of them had changed somewhat from the night before.

Mike was completely surrounded by all the Slytherin females and had gone for a rather tight fitting version of the school uniform.

Rick was talking to the seats of where the other Slytherins had been sitting, before he arrived. He had transferred the badges from his blazer onto the black robes and spray painted a giant A on the back.

Vyvyan hadn't changed much. He had just ripped the arms off the cloak and put it on over what he was already wearing.

He was sitting in-between Fred and George planning.

Neil had, had the biggest change. Dressed in the full school uniform, that had been neatly pressed, shiny black school shoes,

His skin was tinged pink from the vicious scrubbing he got from his house mates last night and his hair though still long, had been pulled back into a ponytail. It gleamed in the candlelight like varnished oak and looked very soft.

He sat at the table his eyes Bambi wide unsure of what to do.

All the girls were smiling at him.

Suddenly a large yowl came from the Slytherin table.

Where Rick had been sitting there was a longhaired white Persian cat.

The whole hall burst out laughing.

While this was going on the Owls came in delivering the morning mail and with them came SPG.

FWWWWAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZTTTTT. "Oh dear God why me?" FFFFFFFFFFFWAAAAAZZZZZZTTTTT! SPG moaned as he flew eractically around the hall the other owls dropping like flies. He crash landed into the Slythering table.

He sat up slightly dazed and looked at Cat Rick.

"VYVYAN you're rat's LOOKING at me FUNNY!" Rick said... well meowed.

"OH baby come to Dadddy." He cried launching himself at Rick with hearts in his eyes.

Throughly terrifed Rick ran for his life.

" Well that was unexpected." Said Fred and George.

"Especially seeing as I had SPG neutered." Vyvyan said bemused.

"So what class have you got first Vyvyan?" The twins asked.

"CLASS?"

* * *

Rick tore through the hallways of Hogwarts with a lovesick, farting, crossdressing hamster hot on his heels.

"I TAKE IT BACK THIS PLACE SUCKS." He screamed.

BANG! He was back to normal.

Except he was butt naked.

"ARGGGGHHHHHH" Rick screamed

"ARGGGGHHH" SPG screamed

" PERVERT!" A Prefect screamed.

"NOOO IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK I'M THE PEOPLES POET." Rick tried to explain.

"PERVERTUS EXPELLUS"

Rick was blasted out the window and into the lake.

* * *

**Ok a few things.**

**1. I am SO SORRY my updates are slow ToT please forgive me.**

**2. The reason I chose a persian cat for Rick was because I felt it suited him best, because they look so haughty and aloof even though it looks like someones gone and punched it in the face. I don't mean to offend anyone it's just how I see them.**

**3. The next chapter will be about the Classes the young ones take. More Importantly it's going to be Vyvyan in Potions. So this chapter is going to take a while because It requires careful planning. This is a urgent call out to one and all what should happen in the next chapter? At the moment all I've got is Bang. So please Please get in touch.**


	5. Chapter 5

Hi just a note to say I will NOT be updating The Young Ones go to Hogwarts anytime soon because I shall be reading the 7th Harry Potter book.

I'd be reading it right now except the shop where I went to, have SOLD OUT and won't be getting anymore till Monday.

Damn you evil Shop. T-T

So as you can tell I'm not a happy bunny at the moment I shall have to console myself with copious amounts of chocolate and Harry Potter fanfiction.

To those of you already reading the last HP book I hope you enjoy it. :


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